It's been longggggggg

 Hi there.

It's been a couple of weeks since I've written the last post. I'm back, partially sane.

Life has been good. Last month kan everything felt like shit tau tak? My emotions weren't stable, I kept being hard on myself then my sales were goddamn slow despite I tried every single trick in the book TAPI.

Tapi, hujung bulan tu everything went smoothly. From 35 to 77 within a week then my mood became stable again because I had to control myself sebab ye la, sapa lagi nak tolong aku kalau bukan diri sendiri ye dak?

As a token of appreciation, I really splurged myself with gifts because I just want myself to be happy... selalunya aku akan cuba bagi orang happy dulu baru aku BUT it's not that right now. Kena penting diri. Bukannya narsistik tapi kena pentingkan diri sendiri supaya tak drain diri hang..

Oh! btw i went on a day trip to Singapore just a few days ago. Super tiring because we commuted from Bangi - TBS then Larkin THEN Singapore. I thought Singapore was small but apparently, it's like Penang. Just more on the expensive side la. Upon arriving, i bought myself 3 perfumes, Jean Paul Gaultier's La Belle, Viktor & Rolf's Flowerbomb & Armaf's Odyssey Limoni. Murah weh. I got La Belle for $114, Flowerbomb for $104 and Limono for $35 ja???? I was looking for Mugler's Alien Goddess tapi tak jumpa. Sedap nak mampus bau dia macam teh o ais tapi teh o ais yang ada perisa vanilla tu! Macam teh o ais thailand, malangnya ada kat Sephora ja & 100ml costs around RM800!!!! Baik aku buat perfume sendiri la bauan teh o ais + vanilla. Ugh.

Waktu balik tu macam hesitant sikit nak balik naik bas rapid tu sebab nak kena berhimpit dengan orang. Taknak. Aku nak bercuti. Bukan nak seksa diri, bukan nak pi kerja. Aku nak keselesaan so we decided to take the bus from the Golden Mile Tower to TBS. Didn't regret it!

That's all i guess from me la. Harapnya lepasni banyak lagi trip yang boleh pi. Moga dipanjangkan usia dan diberi kesempatan oleh-Nya.

Hopefully August will be good for me or us! Moga semuanya berjalan lancar dan enak enak sahaja ya. Sangat memenatkan when you're hard on yourself.. please be good. Love yourself ya <3 :)

Reflection.

 Hi there.

It's been a week since I've wrote anything. I'm doing okay so far.

I did something today. I finally let my feelings out and it was honestly very fulfilling despite it doesn't reciprocate. I learned how to let go of something that I can't have.. I'm not forcing anything to happen and it's amazing. I really do hope the person that I've expressed to gets to be happy at all times especially with their significant other.

After doing so.. reflections happened. If I didn't tell them how I feel, we would still be friends.. if I didn't agree to go out from the start, we would still be mutuals BUT if I kept quiet about my feelings for them, I would hurt myself for the long run. I needed to be selfish especially when it comes to love.

All of this happened because of a song; Garasi - Hilang. The last time I heard this was in 2020. The song is about enough of waiting for something that's hopeless.

Dimanakah cinta sejati

Yang memberikan ketenangan hati

Sampai kapan ku harus menanti

Kau pergi dan mungkin takkan kembali

Dan aku menangis dan aku terluka bila

Engkau menghilang

- Garasi - Hilang

Aku tak pasti kenapa.. aku dah putus harapan kot dalam cari cinta. It sounds cringey but that's the truth. Tuhan suruh aku hidup sorang ja kot kat dunia. If that's the case, aku redha. Aku redha. Aku pasrah.

That's all for now. Goodbye :)

Serenity.

 Hello!

It's been a week since I've wrote anything and here I am, back for a rant or a ride on the emotional rollercoaster haha

Wasn't really okay for almost weeks then one thing happened, it really pushed my buttons. I don't blame others on how I feel but how could I let myself be treated that way? That screams SELF SABOTAGE!

Tipu lah kalau aku tak menangis. Aku menangis macam gila kot! Tapi aku menangis tu sebab sakit hati kenapa aku terima ja. I'm not desperate for love. I'm not desperate for anything at all cuma rasa sunyi tu kot yang menyebabkan aku untuk grasp apa ja yang dekat dengan aku.

Hidup ni sunyi tau tak? You're the only one that can make yourself feel better. Despite being lonely, you're the only one that can turn that loneliness into serenity.

Bila sunyi ni mula nak mencari companionship.

I think I'm very unlucky in love. I kept looking for it at the wrong places. All the guys I got to know, they're alright but I mean I could've really just followed my gut feeling and avoided them BUT like I said, self sabotage happens when you don't really care about yourself.

You don't always get what you want in life.

The thing that I want right now is to pour love and be loved! Maybe God wants me to be better for my significant other. Hopefully I can make myself better for my future SO. Nak dia dapat the best version of me after everything that I've went through.

Aku ok; emotional stability. Ada la hari where I cry my lungs out but ya la, bukannya setiap hari. Aku nak meluah kat sapa lagi. I don't have anyone to rely on emotionally. Nak hire therapist? I don't have the time to commit to their schedule JUST YET.

Did I tell you that I'm slowly going on hiatus for my social media accounts? Apparently having too much screen time does make me feel very emotional. Reduced it bit by bit and so far, no problems / constantly reaching out to tweet (I uninstalled twitter (for now)). Once everything is okay, tiada lagi rasa self sabotage, akan ku kembali.

For now,

sayonara.

Emo Week

 Hello!

Back again for another story..

The past few weeks had been quite emotional for me. I noticed that I would easily have mood swings and would isolate myself from others because I'm overwhelmed.. Do you know what's the reason?

I'm upset because I'm too hard on myself. The thought of having a good process or journey makes me feel better but last month was hard for me because I didn't reach my target within the estimated time and it took longer than expected..

Working in sales is fun, honestly. I love making money and seeing numbers everyday tapi dia ibarat hang masuk ke lubuk penderaan. Hang tak cukup, hang akan kejar angka yang hang nak tu tak Kira apa pun.. benda ni sumpah draining gila.

Aku sampai tahap fikir nak berhenti kerja, balik Kedah balik, nak isolate for a few months but I did think it through before doing that. Kept my head up and moved forward walaupun penat.

Forced myself to smile and have a positive mindset like before.. apa aku perasan, instantly, your mood becomes better. As they say, fake it till you make it.

Apa pun, esok ticket MCR dah nak jalan. Aku takdak bajet nak pi sebab sudden sangat depa nak menjual tickets pun. Bayang Gerard Way waktu muda dah la, dengaq lagu guna headphones ja.

Mula dah mengarut but whatever.. I got that out of my chest about what I'm feeling..

Moga baik baik sahaja buat ibu bapaku, adik beradikku, anak anak buahku, rakan rakan, diriku dan juga kamu :))

Mayhem Friday

 Ello!

I decided to do this a daily thing so I won't go insane (just kidding..)(unless..) so here's a recap on what happened today.

Soo of course I had a shitty day before, live wasn't doing well for me, my mood was like a rollercoaster sat happy sat sedih sat cranky sat lapaq (THIS ISNT A JOKE) but I woke up feeling optimistic. Things took a turn..

Aku buat live pukul 7.30 PAGI hang tau dak?? Viewers punya ramai kat Shopee tu tapi sorang pun takmau beli dekat dalam live aku. Ada la orang beli but it's not like what I expected. Bukannya aku letak harapan setinggi Gunung Everest pun tapi entah la. Takdak rezeki kot. Mood kelaut dah pepagi..

Waktu tengah breakfast tu, colleagues tanya open order dak untuk durian Musang King sebab abang aku jual tapi aku bukak order untuk orang Jitra ja. Tanya kakak, she said that my brother in law is still in Raub and will be in the same area as mine la. ETA bulan 8 nuh bawak dari Jitra BUT rezeki, dapat same day jugak.

As we're waiting for durian and for the day to finish, my live sessions went well. It was quiet at first but as I kept on talking (santai gila, sumpah serupa sembang dengan kawan), many viewers came in and stayed. Sales padu jugak for account yang ngl, agak sendu.

Sepatutnya abang ipaq aku deliver direct kat office tapi jem pulak area Bangi Lama tu so I had to naik motor pi jauh sikit.. aku tak berani sebenaqnya but got the courage to do so demi durian!!

Musang King has a bit of a bitter aftertaste but for the durian my BIL sold us, only a few pieces that had a slight aftertaste of bitterness. Most of it tasted like custard, lemak lemak manis gitchew.

Overall kan.. aku rasa hidup ni penuh dengan ironi. Hang sangkakan hari tu kalau bermula dengan benda yang hang tak suka, mesti hang rasa hari tu jadi hari yang malang but God has His ways.. tetiba it's going to be the reason why you're smiling again in the same day.

Tu ja la kot. Good night :)

It's Me Again

 Hi there.

It feels so good to be here again. I've honestly forgotten how it feels like typing on a keyboard for this purpose. It's always been on screens, not physically.

Been years since I've left.. How are you, small Wanis? I've re-read everything you wrote and I wish I could've given you the hug that you've been longing for.. Don't you worry anymore because we're getting this going even though the roads are a bit rocky.

At this age, I really do need a companion. It's a lonely journey indeed.. despite having loved ones, they all have their life. I'm no one to bother them especially when the feelings that I feel keeps getting stronger everyday.

Overthinking kills but that's not the thing that's bothering me.. I'm always too hard on myself even when I've reached the goal that I've set myself. Need to work on this as it's bothering my personal and work life. I hate that feeling. It's intoxicating.

I do wish I had someone to talk about my day.. I wanna hear about their day too, All the good and bad tapi.. mungkin Tuhan takdirkan aku untuk tak bertemu dengan sesiapa lagi because He knows I'm going to be at the worst point of my life again; losing someone that I've loved deeply.

It's fine.

Totally fine.

Ironic how I felt like I need to cry tonight and I didnt but then as I'm writing, tears start to fall from my face.

You're a force I can't reject

And I'm trying to escape

- Hello and Goodbye

Oof. This is hurting my eyes.

Hopefully this will be the place where I can rant anything that I need in the day. To many more starts. Muah.

Love.

I'm so madly in love but i don't know why i'm hurting so bad right now..

I tried being myself.

I dont know if my partner can actually accept me for who i am or not but the thing now is..

There's a reason why i dont wanna be in relationships. A reason why i'm single and always friendzoning people.

Relationships can become toxic and it can actually drain someone emotionally.

I hate crying. I know why i'm crying right now but do i deserve this? Do i really need this right now? Life experiences, my ass. I got dumped twice already.

Am i childish? Am i immature?

No. I'm quite manja but tak matang is so not me. I know how to handle shit and how to overcome problems except for relationship problems.

My eyes hurt. Good night

Wanna Be Yours.

Secrets I have held in my heart
Are harder to hide than I thought
Maybe I just wanna be yours
- I Wanna Be Yours (Arctic Monkeys)

I hate heartbreaks.

I cant stop crying every time i cry. I hate having feelings like this. I thought i didn't have to face these things anymore but i had to one more time.

I'm just broken deep inside even though i always make jokes and laughs at everything. I'm just a doll. I wanna be empty instead of sad. I don't wanna love anyone anymore. I just wanna love myself other than my family and friends.

fake.

Have you ever got into a really heartbreaking situation? I used to. 2 times.

Got cheated and got rejected when i was madly in love. When i gave my all..when they already see me as garbage.

It's sad and funny. I was the one pushing them away before we ever had anything. Now, i'm pushed away by the person that i love. Haha..it sucks and hurts at the same time. It hurts more when you have to face with the person that u love trying to hook up with someone that he just knew. Well..i can see that i'm nothing in his eyes now.

This is why i dont want love to involve..that's why i keep pushing away. Love hurts so much and i dont wanna get hurt.

It sucks..
I have no one that really can hear my stories. It's all fake.

People..
Dont trust anyone that says you're important and they care about you. They're all lies.

I'm in that situation right now..fucking hurts, man. I needed to be fake in order to talk to him. All that i'm sure is he doesnt love me anymore..or even like me. Care..? never. It's all fake. The older we get..the more we notice that someone is fake with us.

Loving myself first. Trying to move on even it's so hard..but watching the things that he's doing for the girl he likes is making me feel better even tho it motherfucking hurts a lot. It's boosting me up for my moving on situation.

Talk to you later, everyone.

shit happens

See the title?

Shit happens in life. Everything is completely the opposite and the world just turns around you.

I used to be the girl who pushed people away. Well..pushing=friendzone but i was an idiot. I can admit that. I was an idiot for accepting and pulling someone into my life and i took it serious. I was like "gurl are u for serious about this one? I dont want this shit to be horrible" but yeah i took it way too serious but yeah i only accept people when i feel there's a chance to spend my life with them.

The sad thing is..i tied my happiness to that someone. I lost him for a few months now but shit, cant stop crying. Cant accept the fact that someone that used to want me, doesnt want me anymore when im already head over hells for him.

God..

I was so stupid. I should have stick with my plan about being single forever.

NEVER EVER TIE YOUR HAPPINESS TO SOMEONE UNLESS YOU'RE SURE THAT THEY'RE THE ONE!

Shit..i need to go. Later i'll sambung.

50 SHADES OF HATE

Assalamualaikum!

Sebulan sebulan jugak la baru aku tulis something kat blog ni. Biaq pi lah berhabuk pun asalkan aku tulis sikit. Oh boyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy i got some hot and juicy stories that i wanna tell and i'm freaking burning here.

OK IT STARTS LIKE THIS

I got the interview for TESL foundation then while we were buying stuffs for the 'day', my mom brought up about some of the teachers trying to make me look like i'm just a piece of shit when i was in school. Fyi, i was a good student and i had a lot of achievements!!

As a student, it's pretty normal if some of the homework kena tinggal or tak siap kan? Tapi idk lah wassup with some of the teachers kat pulau nyoq ni. Macam aku bunuh orang kalau aku tak siap kerja sekolah. Anak cikgu lain ok ja tak siap siap kena peluk lagi. Aku? OMG I WANNA DO THE ULTIMATE FACEPALM OF ALL TIME RIGHT NOW.

pilih kasih betul! I cannot live with these kind of people and thank God aku dah habis sekolah dah pun!

BUT

Even aku dah habis sekolah, they still wanna make me feel like im trash. A teacher is supposed to be loving, caring and cherish her students the way that she want her kids to be treated but heck no, i got treated like im garbage even tho my mom is damn nice to her students.

Tolong lah..one day when i become a teacher, i aint gonna treat my students like that. Everybody's special. GERAM LAGI GILA BABIES. OK IM DONE. IM SO DONE.

Life lessons with Wanis

Hi guys,
so it's been a long time since i write anything here. Haha. I've been experiencing things and i'm not being ciwi about life but it taught me some things that i've never really know before.

I had a relationship. 1 year 5 months relationship. It's pretty long for kiddos like us but we managed to go through it together. I am sad when he told me that he doesn't feel anything about love anymore and i kept begging him to stay and i think he feels sorry for me and that's why he stayed for another 2 months until i declared that we have nothing anymore.

I'm single and not ready to mingle. Breaking up hurts..the emotions that you have to carry and take care. They just vanished away like ice cream for the fat kid. Probably i was tired of being told that he doesn't want to go through all of this anymore and i didn't cry when i told him i wanted to break up with him. He was okay too. We're still friends..but the memories between me and him..? Every little thing is gone.

I am 18 and i had 2 serious relationships before. I got cheated, i got lied, i got false hope. Everything la. More to puppy love. Ugh..boys will always be boys. When they're perfect, they're not ready to face things. Haih

ok la i want to tell you guys no matter boy or girl, take care of yourself. Tak kira la awak in or out of a relationship. Jaga diri tu. Don't trust people too much, don't give people false hope. False hope is more likely to get friendzoned. Tell that person that you don't want him/her because of a reason. If you're not attracted to them, tell them straight to their faces. At least, they know why. Don't leave someone hanging alone while you're having fun.

You nak ke orang buat macam tu dekat you? Taknak kan so you buat perangai elok elok so karma doesn't strike back.

I really hope that the things happened to me..never ever happens to anyone. I have trust issues..and i hope you guys don't. Why da hell am i crying hahaha k ah bye